Even as the earliest birds
welcome the break of dawn
with their strangely plaintive songs,
your absence keeps me awake.
You are my dishonest truth
and my virtuous vice.
You are me.

Love lies limp and lifeless-
Like a lonesome, lowly, little
Ragdoll.

I listened, you heard.
All we really need
Are these silences.
Splendid
Talkative
Irrational
Silences.

I drew a deceitful little sketch of you.
I put your nose where your mouth should have been.
I just couldn't bear your perfection anymore,
My own private little pay back
As you remain totally unaffected.

I see your face-
In the darkest moonless sky
In the shadows that once scared me
In the power of life to leave me powerless
In the prayers that left my soul as silent screams
I see your face-
In my mirror.

Like a leaf tossed around in the autumn wind,
Bruised but beautiful.
Life brings forth its frightful storms, but quietly-
Teaches us resilience.

Molten lava
Melting chocolate
Limpid pools
Your eyes
Reflected
In still water.

Certain thoughts of you are python-like, crushing my bones in circular hungry strength; grooming me for consumption. Certain thoughts of you are like gentle swirls of silken feathers against the skin of my being, breathing life into my nothingness.

You linger.
How I wish you didn't.
But there you are
In someone else's
Aftershave.
In the cinnamon
In my coffee.
In the kind words
Of a close friend.
In a half remembered
Song.
In a dream
In a shadow
In a cloud
You linger.

You face is
sometimes a mask-
unrevealing and still.
Sometimes it's like the sun-
glowing and life-supporting.
Sometimes it's a mirror-
reflecting my hopes and dreams.
Sometimes it's a window-
with vision and clarity.
Sometimes it's just plain-
stunning and I have to
remember to breathe
when I look at you.

I finally found peace- between the soft young petals of a rose bud, between the two gently rising waves of the sea, between two fresh unwritten A4 sheets, between the storms of yesterday and the calm of tomorrow, between two grains of rice stuck together in solidarity.. And most of all I found peace betwixt the inner recesses of my heart where you triumphed and forfeited.

The kindness of strangers, the meanness of lovers. The wisdom of children, the folly of adults. The strength of silence, the emptiness of words. The love of hatred and the hatred of love. All these contradictions make me wonder- is the beauty of life its unpredictabilty or is life, in its beauty, unpredictable?

You are the storm that calms me,
the peace that makes me anxious,
the shadow that casts a bright light,
the spell that sets me free.
You are the me that I lost.

The moments that I held you
Were the moments that held me

The meekness of the rain
That kissed me instead
Of you, sobered me down.

The only truth I've known
Is in the lies you told me.

The quiet beauty of this dawn is unsettling. Life, why are you still with me today? Am I worthy of your grace? When you finally decide to leave, will I be prepared?

You are the ocean and I am the shore. Your crests and troughs, highs and lows, consent and denial; you always leave me wanting more/less of you.

Desire

As my cheek melts into the oasis
That your chest is, I dream
Dreams I am unworthy of.
In your salty droplets of sweat
I shed tears of fearful longing
In your body they hid my soul
And in mine, an eternal hunger
For all that shines in your
Little wise eyes.
If I could merge my flesh
With the painful beauty
Of the warmth of your skin
If I could lick, suck, fuck
And kiss your myriad emotions
If I could crawl into your hot
Red blood and live your life
If I could fill my womb with
The wayward seeds of your desire
I would be a child of the ocean,
Mud of the earth, flesh of your flesh.

admiration

your freshly shampooed hair
takes me to a dark forest
where silences are loud
where the sun and clouds
are painlessly insignificant

where nothing matters
except the aching softness
of your skin untouched
by angels and demons

the arches and angles
the curves and lines
of strength of definition
your face is a mirror

of all that is treasured
in the holy of holies
your body, my honest prayer
your soul, my divine sacrifice.

Scar Tissue

The ragged jagged
Dark wrinkly skin
Reminds me
I survived-
Time forgives,
Tempests pass,
Life renews.
Dead cells
Give way
To dewy
Soft brownness.
The rainbow
Shines only
Against plainness.
Darkness enlightens
More than light.
Scar tissue humbles
Me with the thought
Life is best lived
Sans regret.

Father-Drug

This abyss, this oddity
You left in me when you left
These freaky habits, those
Unfinished embraces.
Where are you now,
My father-drug?
Do I still live in you?
Are you still in me?
In my bones, in my soul
In my horrific genes?
Why do you fear to haunt
My being? I long to belong
In the crook of your arm
My first love, my first
Heartbreak. Where can I buy
A bit of you to rush through
My blood? A little oxygen
For my weary thoughts?
Father-drug, nobody is
Good enough or bad enough
After a dose of you.

Man

As flesh slapped against flesh
As blue and black collided
I knew him. I knew this was
Him.
Part of me, whole of me,
Me.
Of all that is most beauteous
He is the peace that I was
Promised, the love that begets
Itself, the painted azure skies
The golden sun-loved valley
A baby's satisfied smile
A whiff of freshly baked bread
He completed the jigsaw.
He restored my faith.

Dusk promises Dawn.

Beyond this beauteous dusk
Forgiving and enticing
There is that lustful dawn
Promising me plenitude.
Whom do I adore more?
The golden horizon
When the sun makes
Love to the treacherous
Earth in myriad shades
Of terracotta rust.
The crest and trough
The rise and fall
The spasm and non spasm
When they meet, dusk
Enchants, glorifies
And then meekly withdraws
Into the ravenous raven hued
Bitter night.
And then that powerful moment
When dawn wins once again
And the sun breaks free from
The wombs of being, excited.
Dusk follows dawn follows dusk
And when they merge in copious cries
I will cease to have to choose/exist.

Some

Somewhere amongst the shadows
cast by this gentle evening,
memories of you
play hide and seek with me.
Somehow between finding me
and building us,
You were lost.
Someplace our sins
will become our virtue
our lies, our truth.
Sometimes the sweetest honey
is yet to be tasted.

Love v. Madness

Sometimes the love that you lost is the sanity you gained. Sometimes the love that you gained is the sanity that you lost. Sometimes the love that you lost is the sanity you lost. Sometimes the love that you gained is the sanity you gained.

On Depression

My flesh is rotting
My soul is a corpse
I am journeying
Six feet under
All these tepid
Thoughts and emotions
Are speeding me along
This voice within
Is without a cause
Defeated of purpose
I am sinking
Into this morbid
Consuming whirlpool
I have no saving grace
No driftwood to hold onto
Somewhere, somehow
There is that promised
Peace or an end
To this carnage
Will no one heed
My silent screams?

You, trapped in me.

If they can bottle the sweet scent of roses, fit the notes of a thousand violins into a thin CD, capture the richness of cocoa beans in a little square of chocolate, paint so many emotions on a tiny canvas, trap the softness of cotton unto a handkerchief, why can't they give me a vial of your essence to breathe life into my existence?

Rapine

He held me down
Pinned my hands
Above my head
I did not cry
Once.
I was far away
Hovering somewhere
Near the ceiling fan
My muscles were
Cold, quite like the
Dead fish that float
In polluted waters
Being carried into the
Mouths of larger fish
I watched from a distance
His sweaty muscular back
His ugly heathen grunts
His round thrusting buttocks
Two mounds of impertinence
I felt guiltily aroused
A curious voyeur of my
Strange destiny.
I am still far away
From the smell of him
His chimeric bulging eyes
Drawing pleasure from the
Thought of his domination
He never ever had me
He never penetrated me
I vaginated him.

blood child

I bled today
Again.
You are still
Not formed
In my body
In my soul
You are a
Painful silence
I bled in tiny drops
And huge goblets
My cunt protests
Where are you?
Flesh of my flesh?
Blood of my blood?
Invade my womb
My spirit.
My woman
My seed
My child.

Beloved

You are the scent in the spring flowers, the sweetest honey in the hive, the wicked breeze that blows my skirt up high, the last notes of a beautiful melody, the giggles in my spliff, the glorious bubbles in my soap, the salt in my food and the life in my body.

Moon

Hide your beauty
From me, gentle light
Behind the clouds
You are safe.
Away from my
Anxious passion
Your face is a
Mirror of all
That is pure
All that I want
And yet, you sway
Peacefully far beyond
My hopeless reach.

Three

I dreamed
Of two roses and a thorn
Of love and confused lust
Like three rivers meeting
Some wayward star
Encircled by light
Stolen from others
Some loves were meant to be
Twisted and broken

I want to be

A silent golden storm
A thrifty meek rain
A lone wise cedar
Sand that seeps
Like silver lightning
Through careless fingers
Compliant warm butter
Knifed onto bristle
Toast, burnt in time
A restful, swinging
Hammock tethered between
Two armoured hearts
A ghost whisperer.

I like me when I am with you.

You hold me
Like the womb that bore me
You whisper 'my baby'
Just like the woman who gave
me life. You are simple
Like I should be.
The years have claimed
The skin around your
Red rimmed blue eyes.
In a moment of youthful
Arrogance I cherish how
Beautiful I feel with you.
I do not love you yet
The way you should be loved.
But there is beauty in
Stealing into your room
Early in the morning
And being encased in
Those hard working hands
I feel relief and peace
Surging through the veins
Of my nomadic existence
Others have taken but you
Give. More that I have ever
been given. If this is not
Love, I don't want to know
What love is. And when you are
Inside me, I like the silence
Of the day breaking, like the
Music that you bear in my heart.

Strength 2

A quivering little shell like being
Sometimes the centre of my existence
It frightens them.
The warmth, the smells, the juices.
Sometimes with a hurtful persistence
It frightens me too.
Why do you reveal your mysteries to
Strange fingers and vicious mouths?

Healing

As I wash away the impure
My vision is sparkling
All that perfection,
The inimitable beauty
It was in my eyes
Not in you.
Without my dark passion
You are nothing but
Everyday's slave.

I begin where we end

The taste, like it were the first time.
Beady eyes far away and unobservant
The hunger, the terrible need
Appeased, the giggling, the peace,
The sheer joy of being unshackled
My wings they flutter, they flit
They fly, higher than ever
Soaring beyond the need for
Human companionship, freedom
Makes me a woman, a mad being.
An unlikely candidate for joy
And yet I live happily ever after.

Other

I struggle to meet his perfection
Midway.
I try to please, I abuse and I exhaust
Myself.
Step on my wings, trample them down
Massacre.
My love is never for his loveliness a-
Match.
All that is left is a desire, a distant
Memory.
Of another pair of hands, softer, forgiving
Merciful.
Betwixt my solitude and my loneliness with him
Melancholy.
Othered by him, loved by him,I only belong to
Me.

Life.

I have a mad desire
The kind that rests
Not so gently on the chest
Asking, pushing, seeking.
I would like nothing better
Than to exist in non existence
To drive the demons away
And the angels too.
I don't want to hear
Or see, or touch
Anymore. I am at peace
With the thought of home
In this black hole
Where the soul frees itself
From the strangle hold of eternity
I don't want to be immortal,
Mortal or anything in between.
Just an end that begins,
Just no thoughts to torment.
No hopes to enslave.
Just nothingness
No, not even that.
Something beyond absence.
Like a void, a vaccum, a space
Or even the nadir of it.
I have a mad desire for
Death.

Onion

Take my clothes off,
Layer by layer.
Cut into my skin if you
Dare.
Test my acidic depths
If you please.
Yes I will make you
Cry.
When my heart reveals
Its secrets to you,
You will stink,
You will excrete me
Through your pores.
And raw, never a
Deeper flavour will
Assail your tongue
Your eyes, your skin
Your core.
And yet you forget
That I offer you
My own distruction,
Layer by layer,
Skin,
Flesh,
Love.